Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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