I met the friendliest cop last night
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
