Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
