M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
