i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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