It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
