Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
