Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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