we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
