you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
