a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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