i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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