When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
