I should be sponsored by Trojan
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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