Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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