walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
