am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
