Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
