i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We have started to decorate penises.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
