Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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