how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
