i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
