Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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