The best revenge is premature balding
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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