He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
