my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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