I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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