your thong is hanging out like whoa
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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