not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
