community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
