I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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