Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
