Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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