Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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