just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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