A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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