We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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