so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
