I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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