May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is Oprah even human
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
