When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
