this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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