i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
