You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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