I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
