I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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