Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
