I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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