she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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