I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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