I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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