I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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