just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
