I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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