the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
