God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
