Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
