what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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