Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
