i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
did i just pee glitter
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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